Leave your dependence on your parents.
Leaving your parents does not mean abandoning and ignoring them, but leaving your dependence on them. This basically means to turn your allegiance from your parents and focus it towards your spouse.
To understand Christian marriage from a biblical perspective and to learn the importance of being an emotionally healthy spouse.
The Bible verses below speak clearly of 2 essential elements of marriage, which are leaving & cleaving.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Gen 2:24 KJV
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:7-9
Leave your dependence on your parents.
Leaving your parents does not mean abandoning and ignoring them, but leaving your dependence on them. This basically means to turn your allegiance from your parents and focus it towards your spouse.
Join to your spouse and stick to your spouse.
To cleave to your spouse is recognizing that you are to join to your spouse and stick to your spouse. This means there is a new order of priority, where this new family now must be higher than your previous one.
Leaving is not a call for us to sever our relationship with our parents. The Bible exhorts us to honor our parents. In leaving our parents, it does not reduce our love and respect for them, but implies that we are moving our dependency on them to focus towards a new relationship with our spouse.
The word “cleave” in Hebrew is dabaq, which means to cling, cleave, keep close, stick to.
“The failure to shift loyalty from parents to spouse is a central issue in almost all marital conflict.”Dan Allender
Marriage brings together 2 individuals & creates a new single entity.
and the two shall become one flesh; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh Mark 10:8
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Ecc 4:9-11
In two becoming one, there is to be unity in every aspect of life: physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is when the two can be best described as one flesh.
A covenant is a formal agreement, promise or bond that cannot be broken.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6
The marriage covenant is a lifetime covenant.
Our marriage vows are a covenant made by a husband and wife to each other and to God. God's ultimate purpose for marriage is for husband and wife to have oneness expressed in a relationship bound together by a Holy Covenant.
Divorce is not an option because quitting is not an option in marriage. Whatever does not work in this marriage will not work in the next marriage. Focus on the positive value of why not divorcing. Divorce is selfish because you are not thinking about your spouse/children.
It is often said that who you are is God's gift to you and who you become is your gift to God. In marriage, who you are is your gift to your spouse and what you become is your gift to your family.
Emotional health deals with the maturity of our soul, giving us the ability to read words, actions and motives in an objective manner.
The failure to understand this leads to conflict and severe misunderstanding in a marriage.
We should be able to talk about and deal with these baggages in order for our marriage to be truly liberated.
Understanding leaving and cleaving. This process is not just about physical separation. It encompasses a holistic approach where one has to forsake emotional, financial, and intellectual dependencies nurtured over years with parents and guardians.
The role of emotional health. It is the cornerstone that allows individuals to forge a strong bond based on mutual understanding and respect. Being emotionally healthy means being able to objectively interpret words, actions, and motives, which is vital in avoiding conflicts and misunderstandings.
Transitioning with emotional maturity. As individuals transition into this sacred union, they carry the responsibility of nurturing not only themselves but their partners too. Emotional maturity becomes a gift that spouses give to each other, fostering a nurturing environment grounded in understanding and empathy.
The gift to family. Emotional health extends to becoming a gift to the family that is and will be. It is about building a home where every member feels understood, valued, and respected.
Challenges and baggage. Everyone comes with their own set of baggages. Being emotionally healthy equips individuals to deal with these baggages effectively, ensuring that they do not become a persistent issue in the marriage.
The path to liberation. Cultivating emotional health is a crucial tool that aids in the liberation from past baggages and fosters a marriage where both individuals can grow and flourish together, honoring the sacred covenant they have entered into.
Our parents or primary caregivers are our first teachers. The dynamics of their relationships often set a precedent for what we perceive as “normal” in our future relationships. It is essential to discern the healthy patterns to emulate and the unhealthy ones to avoid.
The relationships we have with our siblings can also shape our understanding of companionship, rivalry, and conflict resolution. Reflect on these relationships and consider how they might influence our approach to marriage.
Role models. Parents often serve as the first role models; their relationship dynamics can significantly influence one's perception of love and relationships. Encourage course participants to reflect on the lessons learned and how they can apply positive learnings in their relationships.
Loving oneself is not an act of narcissism but a foundation to build a healthy relationship. Cultivate self-compassion and recognize our worth.
Foster personal growth through education, hobbies, and personal interests. Developing a strong sense of self can be a pillar of support in nurturing a healthy marital relationship.
Our past relationships, both romantic and platonic, come with lessons learned. Reflect on these experiences and understand what they can do differently in marital relationship.
It is essential to heal from past wounds to avoid carrying the baggage into your marriage. Focus on the importance of forgiveness, both for oneself and others, in this healing process.
We all have defense mechanisms that protect us from emotional harm. Understanding and identifying these can help in navigating conflicts more healthily in a marital relationship.
Learn the art of setting healthy boundaries that protect our well-being without isolating our partner.
What is toxic behavior? Toxic behavior in a relationship refers to actions and words that create a harmful environment, fostering negativity, mistrust, and unhappiness. These behaviors can stem from personal insecurities, past traumas, or unhealthy learned behaviors. It is crucial to identify and address these behaviors early on to build a healthy and loving relationship.
Toxic behaviors can manifest in various ways, especially under stress or pressure.
Attempts to control or manipulate the partner's actions, thoughts, or feelings, often stemming from a place of insecurity and fear.
Engaging in verbal attacks, including name-calling, sarcasm, and belittling comments, which can erode self-esteem and trust over time.
Encouraging or forcing the partner to cut ties with friends and family, creating a sense of isolation and dependence on the relationship.
Exhibiting extreme jealousy or possessiveness, which can stifle the partner's freedom and individual growth.
Retreating and avoiding communication, which can create a gap and foster misunderstandings.
Constantly defending oneself, even when it is not warranted, creating a hostile environment.
Projecting one's fears and insecurities onto the partner, leading to unjust accusations and mistrust.
Gradual breakdown of trust, which is the foundation of any relationship.
Continuous emotional distress leading to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Hindrance in personal growth as individuals and as a couple due to the constant negativity and stress.
Can you identify any patterns or behaviors in your own relationship that might have origins in the family dynamics you experienced growing up? Discuss with your partner and share insights.
Discuss a personal hobby or interest that you would like to pursue individually and one that you would like to explore together. How can you support each other in these pursuits?
Share with your partner what self-compassion means to you. How can you foster a culture of mutual respect and admiration in your relationship?
List three reactions that you and your partner exhibit when under pressure or stress. Discuss the possible origins or sources of these reactions.
Considering the reactions listed above, discuss how you would like to be approached by your partner when such reactions occur. What would be a constructive way to confront these issues?
The best wedding gift you can present to your spouse is the gift of being an emotionally healthy person.
If you are emotionally unwell, it is hard for you to give and receive love. You become sensitive to the words, behavior and opinions of others when you are not healthy emotionally.
Marriage is not simply about finding the right partner, it is about being the right partner yourself!